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Dec. 22nd, 2008 @ 01:04 am Spelling is a lost and dying art
Current Mood: cynicalcynical
Fuck you, Al Gore. All because you invented the Internets, I have to go around and read shit like this.

There were bad spellers in this world to begin with, but the Admiral's only seen this multiply ever since the Internets hit it big. To make matters worse, there's the whole abbreviation thing. I can understand if you're in a chat-room or doing this "texting" thing on your cell phone and saying stuff like "LOL" and "l8r," but there's no excuse on a place like TrekBBS where you're not under pressure to reply in a rapid-fire way.

So it took all the Admiral's willpower to not scratch out his own eyes with a used spork from Taco Hell when he came upon this thread:

"4 your eyes only"

Obviously it's about the James Bond film, but can't you take the time to spell it out? It's not like people are tripping over themselves to discuss that particular title. Turns out the whole thread is riddled with these types of spelling errors. A few culprits the Admiral is putting on notice for sodomizing the English language without lube:
  • RobertScorpio for the thread title, as well as "THE SPY WHO LOVE ME," "Priece Brosnan," "Brosnon," and "plane DUMB" (and he wasn't talking about air travel)
  • Tachyon Shield for "Brosnon"
  • Marc for "Patrick Steward" and "Rodger Moore"
Jesus H. titty-fucking Christ on a bicycle, guys... don't be dickheads. English is a great language, and you should be proud of it. It's the language of Shakespeare and Milton and the Bible. Just like you should respect your body thorugh bathing, grooming, and proper diet and exercise, you should respect the English language by spelling common everyday words as well as people's proper fucking names correctly. (Another pet peeve is the frequent use of "Jonathon Frakes," though obviously not in this thread here.)
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Dec. 8th, 2008 @ 02:25 pm Good Will Riker — off his meds?
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Here's another TrekBBS twatwaffle who needs to drink a hot, frothy mug full of Shut the Fuck Up. In the year and a half since the Admiral last posted about Good Will Riker, the little creep hasn't improved. If anything, he's only become worse.

First there was the "I can't meet any chicks. Please help me, fellow chickless nerds!" threads in the Miscellaneous forum. Then there was the ongoing saga of him and Sonya, some girl from his church whom he wanted to date (regardless of the fact that she wasn't the least bit interested in him). There was a great deal of crap over that thread, as people accused him of not taking his religion seriously, and just using it as a way to pick up chicks (who weren't at all interested in him).

Well, the pendulum has swung back the other way, as we can see here...

It was just announced that plans have fallen through for Jurassic Park IV. Now the Admiral was pretty impressed with the first one, and thought the other two were enjoyable enough as summer popcorn films, but a fourth film was never a make-or-break for him. For Good Will Riker, the lack of a new movie with lots of rampaging dinosaurs (perhaps he calls them "Jesus horses"?) is actually a good thing. Here's why.

Everytime I catch actor Sam Neill on screen (film, television, commercials), I always think of him as that antichrist Damien Thorn from The Final Conflict.

So, I am glad that they are not making any more Jurassic Park films for the foreseeable future and that this actor will not be in any high profile Hollywood production ever again by portraying a charming man and an action hero adventurer when it is not beneath him to accept a paycheck to portray the son of satan in a Hollywood production.

Good riddance!

This is one actor who needs to seriously repent, or we know where he will be going once he casts off his mortal coil.

That's right, kids. If you're willing to play the Devil or one of his minions in a movie, then it ain't acting. Suddenly, acting ain't make-believe if you're portraying true evil. Then again, this is the same wet fart of a human turd who flips out at white actors playing ethnic minorities (e.g. Charlton Heston as a Mexican in Orson Welles' classic Touch of Evil), but recently suggested that Sylvester Stallone would make a good Khan (as in Star Trek II: The Wrath of...) because of his "swarthy appearance."

Apparently GWR's grip on reality is pretty weak, and he seems fixated on identifying Sam Neill with his role as Damien Thorn, to the point where every time he mentions the guy in the thread, he actually calls him "antichrist Damien Thorn."

Here's some more highlights:
 
A man who was low enough to accept a high profile role as the antichrist Damien Thorn in an Omen film turns around and portrays a hero for the children in Jurassic Park? How smarmy of him.

You got it backwards, dude, because you are thinking of his cool, likable image as Alan Grant first and then thinking that Damien Thorn role was something he did a long time ago.

No, I actually watched The Final Conflict on television a full 8 years before Jurassic Park ever premiered in 1993, and he is an actor who got "his charm down" like the way the real antichrist would in deceiving the real world into thinking he is a cool, popular, likable guy.

Nice try.

But, Sam Neill is a closet devil worshipper.

Put your childhood image of him behind, and see him for who he truly is.



A true Christian would have refused the role of Damien Thorn in The Final Conflict on the grounds that it is exploitive and goes against God and Jesus Christ. However, Sam Neill had no qualms in accepting such a role, so I do not support any of this man's projects or ventures.

There is nothing in his biography that states that he is a Christian or is a believer of almighty God, so he is just a low, filthy actor who would have the audacity to portray satan on screen to boost his profile.

Cubby Broccoli was wise not to cast him as 007. Imagine Damien Thorn uttering the lines "Bond...James Bond" on screen while ordering a vodka martini "Shaken, not stirred."

And, come to think of it what is Daniel Craig doing portraying the devil in an upcoming film?

Pagan actors who will regret it when their time comes.

They serious need to repent in order to be saved.



No, it is not funny because it was not beneath Sam Neill to accept the role of the antichrist and son of satan in a high profile film and turn around and portrays a children's hero in 2 Jurassic Park films.

A devil in disguise trying to sell a bill of "sugarcoated goods" to innocent filmgoing children, if I ever saw one.

We as lovers of God and Jesus Christ need to denounce this pagan actor like the way my fellow Christians denounced Martin Scorsese and The Last Temptation of Christ!
 
 
And don't even try listing all the other actors who've played demonic roles over the years!

They all need to repent to God and Jesus Christ in order to cleanse their souls.

Every single one of them and all of their associates who worked with them on those pagan films.

Especially Robert De Niro. The audacity of him to do a pro-Christian film like The Mission and turn around and portray the devil in Angel Heart shows where his allegiance belongs to in relation to God and Jesus Christ.

De Niro turned his back on God and Jesus Christ, so I turn my back on him until he repents to God and Jesus Christ for his sinful ways.

This is why the Admrial has never been a big fan of mentally unstable people finding religion. It usually turns into something all warped and fucked up like this. People like Good Will Riker have no grip on reality whatsoever, and while in the short-term, they provide a lot of laughs at internet messageboards, in the long run they'd be better off getting psychiatric help, because just turning it over to God doesn't seem to be working here.
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Mar. 11th, 2008 @ 12:04 am Please donate to the "Buy Timo a Life Foundation"
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
TrekBBS is teeming with geeks and crazies who take Star Trek — or whatever goddamned show they're worshiping these days — way too seriously.

Some of them obsess over characters and their romantic relationships, whether they happened on the show or not (I'm looking at you, whoever the assclown was who invented Kirk/Spock slash-fic). Others spend hours poring over deck plans and tech manuals trying to understand how warp drive and the transporter work.

And then, there's Timo.

Timo (who arrogantly insists on signing all his posts "Timo Saloniemi") seems to have made it his mission in life to explain every little inconsistency in Star Trek in the most convoluted manner possible. To wit, from a thread asking why Kirk & co. met Admiral Morrow in the torpedo room in The Search for Spock rather than some other area of the ship...

...Treknologically speaking, it seems that a person could embark a refitted Constitution starship on three locations while at pier: the saucer portside rim, the torpedo deck, or the cargo bay. That's where a gangway tunnel could connect to the ship from the side.

The cargo bay would be nice for somebody wanting to come in, make a grand speech to a lot of folks (who'd look up at him in awe from the cargo floor below), and then quickly get out. But that set would have been hugely expensive... So let's say Morrow didn't want quite that grandiose a setting. Why not come through the saucer rim, since the nice lounges and offices and stuff are probably all in the saucer, and the torpedo deck is very utilitarian? Of course, it's a matter of not having the saucer gangway set ready, so we have to invent another exuse. Perhaps Khan had blasted that doorway to bits when we weren't looking?

Timo Saloniemi

Granted, he does acknowledge real-world stuff like the expense of rebuilding the cargo bay (last seen as a half-set, half-matte painting in The Motion Picture) or constructing the main gangway area along the saucer rim (never seen at all), but then he keeps coming up with reasons why not. Sometimes the most direct reason is best, and sometimes you just need to remember that IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE.

A bit further downthread, someone mentions Scotty's promotion to "captain of engineering" on the Excelsior. Indeed, when we later see Scotty, he's wearing the rank pins of a captain instead of a commander. But when we meet Scotty again in The Voyage Home, he's wearing his old commander's pins. Was he busted down in absentia? Did he pick up the wrong jacket on his way out the door? Did the costume department screw the pooch? (hint: it's the latter). Of course, that answer isn't good enough, because it's allowing Real World to creep in on Trek World...

Timo: Makes good sense. What makes less sense is how, after ST3, Scotty seems to forget he got that promotion, and in ST4 appears in Commander insignia at his court martial.

Perhaps Starfleet bureaucracy worked really fast and stripped Scotty of his promotion even before the trial was completed? Or perhaps the promotion was tied to the posting aboard the Excelsior, and automatically revoked at the termination of that posting?

Timo Saloniemi

cardinal biggles: Dunno, but he was re-promoted by the next film. It's hard to see, but Doohan's wearing captain's bars when he offers Koord some Scotch.

Timo: We might always say that Scotty was unduly pessimistic when dressing up for the court martial, and chose his old Commander pins (the ones he had still had on his older jacket when stealing the Enterprise, and which he thus wore throughout ST3 and ST4) in anticipation of a demotion...

Timo Saloniemi

Please, please, please, do us all a favor... slit your wrists with Occam's Razor. Just like a cigar is sometimes just a cigar, sometimes a uniform fuck-up is just that, rather than an engraved invitation to post your book-length treatise on the promotion and demotion procedures of Starfleet Command.
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Dec. 5th, 2007 @ 08:55 am HULK-watch — Day 2
Current Mood: amusedamused
The Admiral promised you more HULK, and more HULK you'll get!

(in someone's thread fretting over where Knight Rider threads belong)
jkladis: So hard to determine. Man, I wish HULK were here to add his .02.
HULK: Hulk is glad you have asked, Neck Brace.

Hulk thinks Knight Rider is not sci fi or general TV. Knight Rider's category is "dumb." Is there a forum for "dumb?"
JKTim: We call it the Briefing Room.
(do guys scratch their balls in public?)
Hulk does not scratch Hulk's self there in public if Hulk can help it.

It makes puny humans cry, which just annoys Hulk.
(will flatscreen TVs spell the end of console TVs?)
Hulk makes all TVs flat when American Idol comes on.
(Berkeley Breathed "outs" Garfield in a recent Opus strip)
Hulk was SURE it was going to be dumb Spider-Man.
(what would Superman do if a plane he was traveling on as Clark Kent began to have engine trouble?)
CommanderTrip: I personally think Clark would super-speed to the belly of the plane, force open one fo the landing gear doors, and save the day.
Trekker4747: I could be wrong, but I doubt there's a way into the cargo hold from the passenger compartment in most planes.
Worf412: With punches, there's a way.
HULK: Hulk likes this line of thinking. Hulk does not care what dumb Superman would do because Superman is dumb. Superman would fly around and shoot eyebeams and Phantom Zones and whatever dumb stuff he does, when Superman would be better off smashing the whole plane then getting a sandwich.
(is it still better to buy a Windows XP computer?)
Hulk will hold out for a good long time on Vista. XP is fine for Hulk, and start button is green and not dumb blue.

Hulk hears bad things about Vista, and if there is one think Hulk does not need, it is Hulk's operating system making Hulk mad.
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Dec. 3rd, 2007 @ 10:44 pm HULK-watch... Day 1
Current Mood: amusedamused
The Admiral realizes he probably seems like a festering well of negativity to some of you. He's always here bitching and moaning about TrekBBS posters being crazy, or assholes, or crazy assholes.

Just to show that the Admiral doesn't hate everyone, he's starting a series called "HULK-watch," where he'll highlight posts from HULK, who is quite possibly the damned funniest person on TrekBBS right now. That and he talks in the third person, so he has that in common with the Admiral.

Here's a few of his funnier postings:

(discussing Harrison Ford's appearance in the new Indiana Jones movie)
Hulk think Ford looks fine. He is older, but he looks younger than true age.

Hulk should be so lucky to look that good in Hulk's 60s.
(making one of the few amusing posts in Trekker4747's otherwise tasteless thread about his incredible shrinking penis)
HULK: Hulk is also a grower, but people know that already.
Manticore: I almost feel sorry for the woman who takes on Hulk.
exodus: Betty was a champ!
HULK: Well... Hulk is not one to brag, but... let's just say Hulk does OK.
(annual holiday newsletters — love 'em or hate 'em?)
Hulk does not send them because Hulk knows that people hate them. Hulk would prefer to receive more personal note from family and friends, but Hulk understands that the holidays are a busy time. People do not have time for personalized letters.

Hulk is satisfied with a card.
(New Year's Eve plans...)
Hulk tries not to drink too much. When Hulk gets drunk, all hell breaks loose. Buildings wrecked, property is destroyed, military is mobilized... it is all just too much hassle.

Better for Hulk to stay in and watch When Harry Met Sally.
(how many friends do you have on Facebook?)
People always try to join Hulk's Facebook. BAH!

Humans need to understand that Hulk needs to maintain low profile. Dumb General Ross always tries to get Hulk on his friends list, but Hulk is not stupid. As soon as Hulk accepts, Ross will send tanks. Hulk so sick of tanks.
(is it possible to "pick up" a friend?)
Yes it is possible to pick up a friend. It is even possible to throw a friend several miles through the air.

Friendship is kind of over after that, though.
(from the infamous "I think my cousin wants to fool around with me" thread)
(Holdfast suggested making a movie of this damn phony saga just before HULK posted this...)
HULK: Hulk just cannot deal with complicated relationship issues. Thinking about them too long makes Hulk's temples throb and then Hulk is not pleasant to be around at all.

MadBaggins should just do what Hulk does. Date for a while and then when things get too complicated, smash girl's house by slapping hands together. When you do that, you do not even have to bother breaking up. It is pretty much done.
Holdfast: I think the movie should feature a HULK cameo...
HULK: Movie can't afford Hulk.
Gibraltar: Hulk need to get new, reinvigorated franchise. Last movie sucked big green ass!
HULK: Don't even get Hulk started.
(from that moron splodenode's nonsensically-titled "thief victim crew" thread)
Hulk remembers this one time a guy tried to mug Hulk. HA! Did you know a human arm can fit into a mouth all the way to the elbow?

It is true. Bit of trivia for you from Hulk.
(and the pièce de résistance, in a thread about descriptive book passages)
Hulk humbly posts this bit from Hulk's upcoming biography:
Hulk's pulse pounded in Hulk's veins as Hulk's rage built up like steam in a train's engine. Hulk let out a bellow that blew out every window on the street, and if the puny humans could hear through their ringing ears, they would hear glass tinkling as it fell like rain.

Hulk held up two boulder-sized fits and plowed them into the ground with the force of a bomb. Cars leaped into the air as if startled, their alarms shouting all the way down the street. Puny humans toppled over as they gazed with cold fear in to the green face of pure, undiluted rage.

Never again would Baskin-Robbins run out of mint chocolate chip.
Hulk is still working out the kinks.


Keep looking for more updates. This guy is a fucking riot!
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Oct. 26th, 2007 @ 12:35 am apostle83: So dumb, he doesn't know he exists...
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Everyone's favorite gun-toting nut-job wannabe minister, apostle83 has struck again, posting photos of his handgun (cleverly concealed in his laptop bag) and bragging about how he lives his life in one of several states of "operational conditions."

You see, the Right Rev'd Fatty Two-Chins is his own walking, talking, flatulence-expelling Department of Homeland Security. Apparently, right now, he's in Condition White, the lowest state of readiness (which must be pretty laid-back, since the DHS alert chart only goes down to green). So if you want to sneak up and smack him silly with a big ol' sack-o-crap, now's the time to do it. There's also Yellow, Orange, and Red, which more or less equate to "Chill up my spine," "Soiling my shorts," and "ZOMG! It's Osama! Where's my spare clip?"

(note: The chances of him going up to Condition Red should not be discounted, since he's apparently among the wet-brained ninnies slavering over rumors started on Fox News Channel that al-Qaeda may have started the San Diego forest fires.)

Whenever anyone criticizes him for being a paranoid gun nut, they're labeled some sort of pinko commie Democrat who doesn't understand Bishop McCheese's Second Amendment right and warped psychological need to protect himself with live ammunition and a sleek, sexy dispenser.

But I'm getting off-topic now. Why did I start posting this? Because Pastor Twatwaffle is so fucking dumb he doesn't even know when he's being made fun of.

Exhibit A for the prosecution:
FordSVT: If I was a robber and came up to you and put a gun to your head, how fast do you think you could dig through that bag to get your handgun?
warriorsfan: Much like Dwight Schrute, apostle maintains a constant state of cat-like readiness.
apostle83: Thank you.
It's not a fucking compliment, you dumb cunt! Sweet zombified Christ, how dumb can you be?!?

You know what? Don't answer that.
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Aug. 20th, 2007 @ 03:17 pm Oh, the IRONY!
Current Mood: irritatedirritated
Today's topic of discussion at TrekBBS was some Disney Channel teeny-bopper crap called High School Musical, and a bunch of basement-dwelling geeks wondering why it's so popular (and probably envious that the premiere of High School Musical 2 drew more viewers than the first episode of Enterprise! Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it!)

One poster, who goes by the name K-Star, described the phenonmenon thus: "I think the whole thing is awkward and weird and immature."

People who live in glass houses shouldn't post avatars where they're brandishing phaser-shaped TV remotes at the camera.

I mean, honestly... just because you wear your geekdom on your sleeve does not entitle you to look down your nose at these people for enjoying what is ultimately harmless entertainment.

Here endeth the lesson...
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Jul. 30th, 2007 @ 09:31 pm It's only a BOOK, goddammit...
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
In case you were in a coma, the biggest book since Gutenberg started cranking out Bibles in his basement was released to the public last week.

I am, of course, referring to my autobiography, titled Fuck All Y'All, Ya Bunch of Assholes: Why the World Is Going to Shit, and Why I'm Content to Sit and Laugh at It. $24.95 in hardback, at most major bookstores in the tri-state area.

But that's not what you people want to hear about. You want to hear about that Harry Potter thing. Fortunately, the Admiral decided to do some reconnaissance work, seeing what folks were saying about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows over at Barnes & Noble's discussion boards. To put it mildly, these people are unhinged, and they need a fucking Prozac like there's no tomorrow.

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Jul. 8th, 2007 @ 02:38 am Oh, for fuck's sake... is nothing sacred?
Current Mood: infuriatedinfuriated
As if spreading his made-up looney tunes religion on TrekBBS and some hockey team's forum, now thestonedkoala (or RikkiTikkiTavi as he's known there) has invaded the forums of Literotica.com, home to writers of "stroke stories" of varying quality, and perhaps most importantly (for the old Admiral, anyway), a forum where its denizens post photographs of them cavorting in their birthday suits. Granted, there's some butt-ugly specimens of humanity there, but there's also some keepers. Oh, and it's FREE. Free, as always, is good.

So imagine my shock and dismay when the Admiral saw the name RikkiTikkiTavi attached to various and sundry replies to a gorgeous young woman who goes by the moniker "Miss_B_Haven." The name seemed familiar, and I remembered that at some point stoney had undergone a name change at TrekBBS (a shame he didn't undergo a medication change at the same time). But that, of course, is not conclusive. What is conclusive is Mr. Tavi's signature:
"Just be silly" - Zecheriah McJonez
That's right, just like stoney at TrekBBS, this guy quotes the imaginary voices in his head. Apparently he posted there before, under the username twoeyecyclops. In true attention whore fashion, his first post was of the "Hey, remember me? I was this loser before I registered under another dumbass name!"

Well, you're on notice, stoney. The Admiral will be keeping an eye on you from now on, to make sure that you don't pollute the Literotica forums with your brand of retarded nonsense. The Admiral won't have you and the 50,000 voices in your head interfering with his ability to look at nekkid women and spend some quality time with his one-eyed monster!
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Jul. 1st, 2007 @ 09:05 pm The Right Rev'd Fatty Two-Chins Strikes a Blow for Rank Shit Trollery
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
I guess it's not enough for apostle83 to be a Bible-thumping, gun-toting, homeless-person-hating whackaloon, so now he's added channeling legendary TrekBBS troll Enterpriser to his repertoire of annoying shit.

As if TrekBBS didn't have enough goddamned rules already, apostle wants the board staff to codify everything. This should be done, he claims, in the name of fairness, so people won't feel like they're being picked on. He thinks it would also make the rules more enforceable, whatever that means (I haven't noticed any mod having problems laying down the law when he or she needed to).

Sorry, Bishop McLardass, but I've got to call you on this one... it's BULLSHIT! I don't think you want those unwritten rules codified to be fair, unless by "fair" you meant "now the people I argue with, who are usually far more clever than I am, will get in trouble as well." And just like Enterpriser, I'm sure you'll be looking for loopholes, which multiply like rabbits as soon as a board's rules start to look less like broad guidelines for civil behavior, and more like the U.S. tax code.

TrekBBS already has way too many rules, most of them because Enterpriser forced their creation through his behavior. His is a legacy that should not be honored, apart from apostle's eventual permaban for being a despicable cuntburger.
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