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Dec. 22nd, 2008 @ 01:04 am Spelling is a lost and dying art
Current Mood: cynical
Fuck you, Al Gore. All because you invented the Internets, I have to go around and read shit like this.

There were bad spellers in this world to begin with, but the Admiral's only seen this multiply ever since the Internets hit it big. To make matters worse, there's the whole abbreviation thing. I can understand if you're in a chat-room or doing this "texting" thing on your cell phone and saying stuff like "LOL" and "l8r," but there's no excuse on a place like TrekBBS where you're not under pressure to reply in a rapid-fire way.

So it took all the Admiral's willpower to not scratch out his own eyes with a used spork from Taco Hell when he came upon this thread:

"4 your eyes only"

Obviously it's about the James Bond film, but can't you take the time to spell it out? It's not like people are tripping over themselves to discuss that particular title. Turns out the whole thread is riddled with these types of spelling errors. A few culprits the Admiral is putting on notice for sodomizing the English language without lube:
  • RobertScorpio for the thread title, as well as "THE SPY WHO LOVE ME," "Priece Brosnan," "Brosnon," and "plane DUMB" (and he wasn't talking about air travel)
  • Tachyon Shield for "Brosnon"
  • Marc for "Patrick Steward" and "Rodger Moore"
Jesus H. titty-fucking Christ on a bicycle, guys... don't be dickheads. English is a great language, and you should be proud of it. It's the language of Shakespeare and Milton and the Bible. Just like you should respect your body thorugh bathing, grooming, and proper diet and exercise, you should respect the English language by spelling common everyday words as well as people's proper fucking names correctly. (Another pet peeve is the frequent use of "Jonathon Frakes," though obviously not in this thread here.)
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Dec. 8th, 2008 @ 02:25 pm Good Will Riker — off his meds?
Current Mood: annoyed
Here's another TrekBBS twatwaffle who needs to drink a hot, frothy mug full of Shut the Fuck Up. In the year and a half since the Admiral last posted about Good Will Riker, the little creep hasn't improved. If anything, he's only become worse.

First there was the "I can't meet any chicks. Please help me, fellow chickless nerds!" threads in the Miscellaneous forum. Then there was the ongoing saga of him and Sonya, some girl from his church whom he wanted to date (regardless of the fact that she wasn't the least bit interested in him). There was a great deal of crap over that thread, as people accused him of not taking his religion seriously, and just using it as a way to pick up chicks (who weren't at all interested in him).

Well, the pendulum has swung back the other way, as we can see here...

It was just announced that plans have fallen through for Jurassic Park IV. Now the Admiral was pretty impressed with the first one, and thought the other two were enjoyable enough as summer popcorn films, but a fourth film was never a make-or-break for him. For Good Will Riker, the lack of a new movie with lots of rampaging dinosaurs (perhaps he calls them "Jesus horses"?) is actually a good thing. Here's why.

Everytime I catch actor Sam Neill on screen (film, television, commercials), I always think of him as that antichrist Damien Thorn from The Final Conflict.

So, I am glad that they are not making any more Jurassic Park films for the foreseeable future and that this actor will not be in any high profile Hollywood production ever again by portraying a charming man and an action hero adventurer when it is not beneath him to accept a paycheck to portray the son of satan in a Hollywood production.

Good riddance!

This is one actor who needs to seriously repent, or we know where he will be going once he casts off his mortal coil.

That's right, kids. If you're willing to play the Devil or one of his minions in a movie, then it ain't acting. Suddenly, acting ain't make-believe if you're portraying true evil. Then again, this is the same wet fart of a human turd who flips out at white actors playing ethnic minorities (e.g. Charlton Heston as a Mexican in Orson Welles' classic Touch of Evil), but recently suggested that Sylvester Stallone would make a good Khan (as in Star Trek II: The Wrath of...) because of his "swarthy appearance."

Apparently GWR's grip on reality is pretty weak, and he seems fixated on identifying Sam Neill with his role as Damien Thorn, to the point where every time he mentions the guy in the thread, he actually calls him "antichrist Damien Thorn."

Here's some more highlights:
 
A man who was low enough to accept a high profile role as the antichrist Damien Thorn in an Omen film turns around and portrays a hero for the children in Jurassic Park? How smarmy of him.

You got it backwards, dude, because you are thinking of his cool, likable image as Alan Grant first and then thinking that Damien Thorn role was something he did a long time ago.

No, I actually watched The Final Conflict on television a full 8 years before Jurassic Park ever premiered in 1993, and he is an actor who got "his charm down" like the way the real antichrist would in deceiving the real world into thinking he is a cool, popular, likable guy.

Nice try.

But, Sam Neill is a closet devil worshipper.

Put your childhood image of him behind, and see him for who he truly is.


A true Christian would have refused the role of Damien Thorn in The Final Conflict on the grounds that it is exploitive and goes against God and Jesus Christ. However, Sam Neill had no qualms in accepting such a role, so I do not support any of this man's projects or ventures.

There is nothing in his biography that states that he is a Christian or is a believer of almighty God, so he is just a low, filthy actor who would have the audacity to portray satan on screen to boost his profile.

Cubby Broccoli was wise not to cast him as 007. Imagine Damien Thorn uttering the lines "Bond...James Bond" on screen while ordering a vodka martini "Shaken, not stirred."

And, come to think of it what is Daniel Craig doing portraying the devil in an upcoming film?

Pagan actors who will regret it when their time comes.

They serious need to repent in order to be saved.


No, it is not funny because it was not beneath Sam Neill to accept the role of the antichrist and son of satan in a high profile film and turn around and portrays a children's hero in 2 Jurassic Park films.

A devil in disguise trying to sell a bill of "sugarcoated goods" to innocent filmgoing children, if I ever saw one.

We as lovers of God and Jesus Christ need to denounce this pagan actor like the way my fellow Christians denounced Martin Scorsese and The Last Temptation of Christ!
 
 
And don't even try listing all the other actors who've played demonic roles over the years!

They all need to repent to God and Jesus Christ in order to cleanse their souls.

Every single one of them and all of their associates who worked with them on those pagan films.

Especially Robert De Niro. The audacity of him to do a pro-Christian film like The Mission and turn around and portray the devil in Angel Heart shows where his allegiance belongs to in relation to God and Jesus Christ.

De Niro turned his back on God and Jesus Christ, so I turn my back on him until he repents to God and Jesus Christ for his sinful ways.

This is why the Admrial has never been a big fan of mentally unstable people finding religion. It usually turns into something all warped and fucked up like this. People like Good Will Riker have no grip on reality whatsoever, and while in the short-term, they provide a lot of laughs at internet messageboards, in the long run they'd be better off getting psychiatric help, because just turning it over to God doesn't seem to be working here.
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Mar. 11th, 2008 @ 12:04 am Please donate to the "Buy Timo a Life Foundation"
Current Mood: aggravated
TrekBBS is teeming with geeks and crazies who take Star Trek — or whatever goddamned show they're worshiping these days — way too seriously.

Some of them obsess over characters and their romantic relationships, whether they happened on the show or not (I'm looking at you, whoever the assclown was who invented Kirk/Spock slash-fic). Others spend hours poring over deck plans and tech manuals trying to understand how warp drive and the transporter work.

And then, there's Timo.

Timo (who arrogantly insists on signing all his posts "Timo Saloniemi") seems to have made it his mission in life to explain every little inconsistency in Star Trek in the most convoluted manner possible. To wit, from a thread asking why Kirk & co. met Admiral Morrow in the torpedo room in The Search for Spock rather than some other area of the ship...

...Treknologically speaking, it seems that a person could embark a refitted Constitution starship on three locations while at pier: the saucer portside rim, the torpedo deck, or the cargo bay. That's where a gangway tunnel could connect to the ship from the side.

The cargo bay would be nice for somebody wanting to come in, make a grand speech to a lot of folks (who'd look up at him in awe from the cargo floor below), and then quickly get out. But that set would have been hugely expensive... So let's say Morrow didn't want quite that grandiose a setting. Why not come through the saucer rim, since the nice lounges and offices and stuff are probably all in the saucer, and the torpedo deck is very utilitarian? Of course, it's a matter of not having the saucer gangway set ready, so we have to invent another exuse. Perhaps Khan had blasted that doorway to bits when we weren't looking?

Timo Saloniemi

Granted, he does acknowledge real-world stuff like the expense of rebuilding the cargo bay (last seen as a half-set, half-matte painting in The Motion Picture) or constructing the main gangway area along the saucer rim (never seen at all), but then he keeps coming up with reasons why not. Sometimes the most direct reason is best, and sometimes you just need to remember that IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE.

A bit further downthread, someone mentions Scotty's promotion to "captain of engineering" on the Excelsior. Indeed, when we later see Scotty, he's wearing the rank pins of a captain instead of a commander. But when we meet Scotty again in The Voyage Home, he's wearing his old commander's pins. Was he busted down in absentia? Did he pick up the wrong jacket on his way out the door? Did the costume department screw the pooch? (hint: it's the latter). Of course, that answer isn't good enough, because it's allowing Real World to creep in on Trek World...

Timo: Makes good sense. What makes less sense is how, after ST3, Scotty seems to forget he got that promotion, and in ST4 appears in Commander insignia at his court martial.

Perhaps Starfleet bureaucracy worked really fast and stripped Scotty of his promotion even before the trial was completed? Or perhaps the promotion was tied to the posting aboard the Excelsior, and automatically revoked at the termination of that posting?

Timo Saloniemi

cardinal biggles: Dunno, but he was re-promoted by the next film. It's hard to see, but Doohan's wearing captain's bars when he offers Koord some Scotch.

Timo: We might always say that Scotty was unduly pessimistic when dressing up for the court martial, and chose his old Commander pins (the ones he had still had on his older jacket when stealing the Enterprise, and which he thus wore throughout ST3 and ST4) in anticipation of a demotion...

Timo Saloniemi

Please, please, please, do us all a favor... slit your wrists with Occam's Razor. Just like a cigar is sometimes just a cigar, sometimes a uniform fuck-up is just that, rather than an engraved invitation to post your book-length treatise on the promotion and demotion procedures of Starfleet Command.
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Dec. 5th, 2007 @ 08:55 am HULK-watch — Day 2
Current Mood: amused
The Admiral promised you more HULK, and more HULK you'll get!

(in someone's thread fretting over where Knight Rider threads belong)
jkladis: So hard to determine. Man, I wish HULK were here to add his .02.
HULK: Hulk is glad you have asked, Neck Brace.

Hulk thinks Knight Rider is not sci fi or general TV. Knight Rider's category is "dumb." Is there a forum for "dumb?"
JKTim: We call it the Briefing Room.
(do guys scratch their balls in public?)
Hulk does not scratch Hulk's self there in public if Hulk can help it.

It makes puny humans cry, which just annoys Hulk.
(will flatscreen TVs spell the end of console TVs?)
Hulk makes all TVs flat when American Idol comes on.
(Berkeley Breathed "outs" Garfield in a recent Opus strip)
Hulk was SURE it was going to be dumb Spider-Man.
(what would Superman do if a plane he was traveling on as Clark Kent began to have engine trouble?)
CommanderTrip: I personally think Clark would super-speed to the belly of the plane, force open one fo the landing gear doors, and save the day.
Trekker4747: I could be wrong, but I doubt there's a way into the cargo hold from the passenger compartment in most planes.
Worf412: With punches, there's a way.
HULK: Hulk likes this line of thinking. Hulk does not care what dumb Superman would do because Superman is dumb. Superman would fly around and shoot eyebeams and Phantom Zones and whatever dumb stuff he does, when Superman would be better off smashing the whole plane then getting a sandwich.
(is it still better to buy a Windows XP computer?)
Hulk will hold out for a good long time on Vista. XP is fine for Hulk, and start button is green and not dumb blue.

Hulk hears bad things about Vista, and if there is one think Hulk does not need, it is Hulk's operating system making Hulk mad.
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Dec. 3rd, 2007 @ 10:44 pm HULK-watch... Day 1
Current Mood: amused
The Admiral realizes he probably seems like a festering well of negativity to some of you. He's always here bitching and moaning about TrekBBS posters being crazy, or assholes, or crazy assholes.

Just to show that the Admiral doesn't hate everyone, he's starting a series called "HULK-watch," where he'll highlight posts from HULK, who is quite possibly the damned funniest person on TrekBBS right now. That and he talks in the third person, so he has that in common with the Admiral.

Here's a few of his funnier postings:

(discussing Harrison Ford's appearance in the new Indiana Jones movie)
Hulk think Ford looks fine. He is older, but he looks younger than true age.

Hulk should be so lucky to look that good in Hulk's 60s.
(making one of the few amusing posts in Trekker4747's otherwise tasteless thread about his incredible shrinking penis)
HULK: Hulk is also a grower, but people know that already.
Manticore: I almost feel sorry for the woman who takes on Hulk.
exodus: Betty was a champ!
HULK: Well... Hulk is not one to brag, but... let's just say Hulk does OK.
(annual holiday newsletters — love 'em or hate 'em?)
Hulk does not send them because Hulk knows that people hate them. Hulk would prefer to receive more personal note from family and friends, but Hulk understands that the holidays are a busy time. People do not have time for personalized letters.

Hulk is satisfied with a card.
(New Year's Eve plans...)
Hulk tries not to drink too much. When Hulk gets drunk, all hell breaks loose. Buildings wrecked, property is destroyed, military is mobilized... it is all just too much hassle.

Better for Hulk to stay in and watch When Harry Met Sally.
(how many friends do you have on Facebook?)
People always try to join Hulk's Facebook. BAH!

Humans need to understand that Hulk needs to maintain low profile. Dumb General Ross always tries to get Hulk on his friends list, but Hulk is not stupid. As soon as Hulk accepts, Ross will send tanks. Hulk so sick of tanks.
(is it possible to "pick up" a friend?)
Yes it is possible to pick up a friend. It is even possible to throw a friend several miles through the air.

Friendship is kind of over after that, though.
(from the infamous "I think my cousin wants to fool around with me" thread)
(Holdfast suggested making a movie of this damn phony saga just before HULK posted this...)
HULK: Hulk just cannot deal with complicated relationship issues. Thinking about them too long makes Hulk's temples throb and then Hulk is not pleasant to be around at all.

MadBaggins should just do what Hulk does. Date for a while and then when things get too complicated, smash girl's house by slapping hands together. When you do that, you do not even have to bother breaking up. It is pretty much done.
Holdfast: I think the movie should feature a HULK cameo...
HULK: Movie can't afford Hulk.
Gibraltar: Hulk need to get new, reinvigorated franchise. Last movie sucked big green ass!
HULK: Don't even get Hulk started.
(from that moron splodenode's nonsensically-titled "thief victim crew" thread)
Hulk remembers this one time a guy tried to mug Hulk. HA! Did you know a human arm can fit into a mouth all the way to the elbow?

It is true. Bit of trivia for you from Hulk.
(and the pièce de résistance, in a thread about descriptive book passages)
Hulk humbly posts this bit from Hulk's upcoming biography:
Hulk's pulse pounded in Hulk's veins as Hulk's rage built up like steam in a train's engine. Hulk let out a bellow that blew out every window on the street, and if the puny humans could hear through their ringing ears, they would hear glass tinkling as it fell like rain.

Hulk held up two boulder-sized fits and plowed them into the ground with the force of a bomb. Cars leaped into the air as if startled, their alarms shouting all the way down the street. Puny humans toppled over as they gazed with cold fear in to the green face of pure, undiluted rage.

Never again would Baskin-Robbins run out of mint chocolate chip.
Hulk is still working out the kinks.


Keep looking for more updates. This guy is a fucking riot!
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Oct. 26th, 2007 @ 12:35 am apostle83: So dumb, he doesn't know he exists...
Current Mood: annoyed
Everyone's favorite gun-toting nut-job wannabe minister, apostle83 has struck again, posting photos of his handgun (cleverly concealed in his laptop bag) and bragging about how he lives his life in one of several states of "operational conditions."

You see, the Right Rev'd Fatty Two-Chins is his own walking, talking, flatulence-expelling Department of Homeland Security. Apparently, right now, he's in Condition White, the lowest state of readiness (which must be pretty laid-back, since the DHS alert chart only goes down to green). So if you want to sneak up and smack him silly with a big ol' sack-o-crap, now's the time to do it. There's also Yellow, Orange, and Red, which more or less equate to "Chill up my spine," "Soiling my shorts," and "ZOMG! It's Osama! Where's my spare clip?"

(note: The chances of him going up to Condition Red should not be discounted, since he's apparently among the wet-brained ninnies slavering over rumors started on Fox News Channel that al-Qaeda may have started the San Diego forest fires.)

Whenever anyone criticizes him for being a paranoid gun nut, they're labeled some sort of pinko commie Democrat who doesn't understand Bishop McCheese's Second Amendment right and warped psychological need to protect himself with live ammunition and a sleek, sexy dispenser.

But I'm getting off-topic now. Why did I start posting this? Because Pastor Twatwaffle is so fucking dumb he doesn't even know when he's being made fun of.

Exhibit A for the prosecution:
FordSVT: If I was a robber and came up to you and put a gun to your head, how fast do you think you could dig through that bag to get your handgun?
warriorsfan: Much like Dwight Schrute, apostle maintains a constant state of cat-like readiness.
apostle83: Thank you.
It's not a fucking compliment, you dumb cunt! Sweet zombified Christ, how dumb can you be?!?

You know what? Don't answer that.
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Aug. 20th, 2007 @ 03:17 pm Oh, the IRONY!
Current Mood: irritated
Today's topic of discussion at TrekBBS was some Disney Channel teeny-bopper crap called High School Musical, and a bunch of basement-dwelling geeks wondering why it's so popular (and probably envious that the premiere of High School Musical 2 drew more viewers than the first episode of Enterprise! Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it!)

One poster, who goes by the name K-Star, described the phenonmenon thus: "I think the whole thing is awkward and weird and immature."

People who live in glass houses shouldn't post avatars where they're brandishing phaser-shaped TV remotes at the camera.

I mean, honestly... just because you wear your geekdom on your sleeve does not entitle you to look down your nose at these people for enjoying what is ultimately harmless entertainment.

Here endeth the lesson...
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Jul. 30th, 2007 @ 09:31 pm It's only a BOOK, goddammit...
Current Mood: annoyed
In case you were in a coma, the biggest book since Gutenberg started cranking out Bibles in his basement was released to the public last week.

I am, of course, referring to my autobiography, titled Fuck All Y'All, Ya Bunch of Assholes: Why the World Is Going to Shit, and Why I'm Content to Sit and Laugh at It. $24.95 in hardback, at most major bookstores in the tri-state area.

But that's not what you people want to hear about. You want to hear about that Harry Potter thing. Fortunately, the Admiral decided to do some reconnaissance work, seeing what folks were saying about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows over at Barnes & Noble's discussion boards. To put it mildly, these people are unhinged, and they need a fucking Prozac like there's no tomorrow.

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Jul. 8th, 2007 @ 02:38 am Oh, for fuck's sake... is nothing sacred?
Current Mood: infuriated
As if spreading his made-up looney tunes religion on TrekBBS and some hockey team's forum, now thestonedkoala (or RikkiTikkiTavi as he's known there) has invaded the forums of Literotica.com, home to writers of "stroke stories" of varying quality, and perhaps most importantly (for the old Admiral, anyway), a forum where its denizens post photographs of them cavorting in their birthday suits. Granted, there's some butt-ugly specimens of humanity there, but there's also some keepers. Oh, and it's FREE. Free, as always, is good.

So imagine my shock and dismay when the Admiral saw the name RikkiTikkiTavi attached to various and sundry replies to a gorgeous young woman who goes by the moniker "Miss_B_Haven." The name seemed familiar, and I remembered that at some point stoney had undergone a name change at TrekBBS (a shame he didn't undergo a medication change at the same time). But that, of course, is not conclusive. What is conclusive is Mr. Tavi's signature:
"Just be silly" - Zecheriah McJonez
That's right, just like stoney at TrekBBS, this guy quotes the imaginary voices in his head. Apparently he posted there before, under the username twoeyecyclops. In true attention whore fashion, his first post was of the "Hey, remember me? I was this loser before I registered under another dumbass name!"

Well, you're on notice, stoney. The Admiral will be keeping an eye on you from now on, to make sure that you don't pollute the Literotica forums with your brand of retarded nonsense. The Admiral won't have you and the 50,000 voices in your head interfering with his ability to look at nekkid women and spend some quality time with his one-eyed monster!
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Jul. 1st, 2007 @ 09:05 pm The Right Rev'd Fatty Two-Chins Strikes a Blow for Rank Shit Trollery
Current Mood: annoyed
I guess it's not enough for apostle83 to be a Bible-thumping, gun-toting, homeless-person-hating whackaloon, so now he's added channeling legendary TrekBBS troll Enterpriser to his repertoire of annoying shit.

As if TrekBBS didn't have enough goddamned rules already, apostle wants the board staff to codify everything. This should be done, he claims, in the name of fairness, so people won't feel like they're being picked on. He thinks it would also make the rules more enforceable, whatever that means (I haven't noticed any mod having problems laying down the law when he or she needed to).

Sorry, Bishop McLardass, but I've got to call you on this one... it's BULLSHIT! I don't think you want those unwritten rules codified to be fair, unless by "fair" you meant "now the people I argue with, who are usually far more clever than I am, will get in trouble as well." And just like Enterpriser, I'm sure you'll be looking for loopholes, which multiply like rabbits as soon as a board's rules start to look less like broad guidelines for civil behavior, and more like the U.S. tax code.

TrekBBS already has way too many rules, most of them because Enterpriser forced their creation through his behavior. His is a legacy that should not be honored, apart from apostle's eventual permaban for being a despicable cuntburger.
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Jul. 1st, 2007 @ 12:30 am AntonyF: Lazy Shit of the Year
Current Mood: FURIOUS
For those of you who (like the old Admiral) have noticed TrekBBS to be having spells where it's about as slow as a Model T Ford (and a lot less reliable), we now have a person to blame for this shitty state of affairs: the board's tech administrator, AntonyF.

After much well-intentioned bitching in QSF about these problems, Antony came out and admitted what some folks have suspected for a while (given the neverending wait for the BBS' long-promised switch from UBB to vBulletin): Antony is barely doing his job and really doesn't care anymore.
The problem with Apache can be fixed when someone kicks it. The trouble is those someones are me and Christian, and I've gone the way of Christian of rarely visiting.
In fairness, Antony did use this opportunity to "kick" Apache, fix a problem with the program, and add T'Bonz and Spaceman Spiff to the list of people who can also "kick" Apache when it craps out. But for things to have dragged out this long is unacceptable.

As a "customer" of the BBS, this is shitty service. If I check into a hotel, I expect the room to be clean. If I go to a restaurant, I expect good food. If I go to a store, I expect it to be well-stocked and have reasonably intelligent people working there to assist me. The BBS should be no different. The slowdowns, crashes, and lack of any movement on the vBulletin update are the same as finding cum stains on the hotel bed or rats fucking on the restaurant's kitchen counter.

It all boils down to this: while Christian can get away with being an "absentee landlord," the BBS still needs its mods, admins, and tech guru to be available as much as possible. For Antony to slack off like this is a fucking travesty. I don't know if he's paid or not, but if Christian is paying him for his current "work," this is highway robbery. And if Antony is a volunteer, he needs to step aside and allow someone else who's equally capable to do the job, just like any moderator who goes MIA would be replaced eventually.

Antony, for the sake of the board and its users, either step up to the plate and do your job, or have the cojones to step aside for someone who will. As we inch closer to the Christmas 2008 release of Star Trek XI, the board needs to be running on software that's still actively supported by its manufacturer, and have a server that can handle the strain of hundreds, if not thousands of new users, an exponential increase in traffic, and the occasional episodes of slashdotting. Trek XI should be a bright, shining moment for TrekBBS, not the moment when its technical problems force the whole damn thing to sink to the bottom of the sea.
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Jun. 25th, 2007 @ 11:06 pm TrekBBS Retard of the Month -- Good Will Riker (pt. 1)
Current Mood: irritated
NOTE:Originally, this rant was only going to be a single post. As I was writing (and subsequently re-writing) the post you're about to read, I suddenly found myself awash amidst a sea of dumb shit worthy of my withering gaze. So there will be at least one more entry to follow on today's person of interest.


I've had this idiotic twatwaffle in my sights for a while, but some mental diarrhea he posted the other night on TrekBBS finally prompted me to speak my piece about one Good Will Riker.

Apparently, every single person on the planet knows that the final film role of the late, great Orson Welles (at least in the order in which he performed them) was as planet-devouring robot baddie Unicron in 1986's feature film toy commerical Transformers: The Movie. According to recent news reports, "Orson+Welles AND Transformers" was the third most popular search on Google, right behind "Paris+Hilton+naked" and "Abe+Vigoda AND still+alive?" At least, in the sad, strange little world Good Will Riker inhabits, that's the case.

So when an Associated Press reporter named Jake Coyle decided to do an article tying Welles (in the news again because his masterpiece Citizen Kane once again topped the American Film Institute's list of the 100 greatest American films) to the upcoming live-action Transformers movie directed by Michael Bay, GWR immediately poo-poohed him as "Mr. Obvious," and a nominee for the "No Shit, Sherlock" award.

The article wasn't intended for you, fuckface, it was intended for the vast unwashed masses who remember Orson Welles from film appreciation class in college (and some commercials for cheap jug wine), and remember Transformers from when they were growing up, but never put two and two together. But no matter. It's a free country, and GWR is free to go on his fanboy rant and make an ass of himself. Unfortunately, he couldn't be satisfied with just that. Instead, he then moved into an area where it became quickly apparent that he has no fucking clue what he's talking about: Film criticism.

For out of "This reporter guy is an idiot for telling me something I already know (forget about the thousands of other people who will read that piece)" springs this brilliant bit of analysis:
And just for the record, I found Touch of Evil to be an over-rated piece of shit that made me fall asleep watching it with Charlton Heston portraying a very unconvincing Mexican.

You won't get much arguments from others on this board when I tell you that Transformers: The Movie from 1986 has "10-times" the rewatchability value of Touch fo Evil which was a piece of shit style of filmmaking. Film noir... you don't get it... what not... It's still a steaming pile of shit.
Wow... "a piece of shit style of filmmaking." How very insightful. Of course, it doesn't help when he digs the hole deeper...
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Jun. 25th, 2007 @ 01:16 am BILL GATES CAN SUCK MY COCK
Current Mood: FURIOUS
I HAD A VERY LONG RANT ABOUT AN IN-DUH-VIDUAL OVER AT TREKBBS ALL READY TO GO. THEN INTERNET EXPLORER ATE MY FUCKING POST WHEN IT RELOADED THE WHOLE PAGE AFTER I GAVE IT PERMISSION TO SHOW POP-UPS FROM LIVEJOURNAL.COM. NOW I HAVE TO START THE FUCK OVER.

SUFFICE TO SAY, THE ADMIRAL IS VERY, VERY, VERY PISSED OFF.
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Jun. 23rd, 2007 @ 10:44 pm Get out of the goddamned basement already...
Current Mood: irritated

It's always a shame when you come across someone who initially strikes you as intelligent and then turns out to be a hopeless geek.

Take "Ingrid," a Barnes & Noble customer who lists herself as an "intelligent Japanophile." Her review was for one of them "manga" comic books the kids are reading these days, something called Make 5 Wishes, "starring" that wannabe-punk pop tart Avril Lavigne. ("Starring" in the sense that they're probably paying her a great deal of money to feature a character named Avril Lavigne, and her input is most likely limited to her agent making sure the book doesn't cast her in a negative light.)

Ingrid's review gave the book two out of a possible five stars, so I had some hope that she might be somewhat intelligent, rather than posting idiotic fangirl squee. Unfortunately, I was wrong. She's just as stupid as the other reviewers, the only difference being that instead of posting inane AOLer/JeffK gibberish about "OMG AVRIL TODULLY ROXXXXXXORS! THIS BOOK IS TEH SHIZNIT!," Ingrid unloaded her vast repository of pointless Asian comic book knowledge all over the keyboard...

Don't waste your time, folks. The story is trite, cliche, and adolescent. I didn't like the art, but then I've never been a fan of American comics. 'Ah,' you say, 'but it ISN'T an American comic! It even says in advertisements, 'Plus, be sure to check out the new Japanese manga, Make 5 Wishes, featuring Avril as a main character!' You see that? 'The new JAPANESE MANGA.'' It is neither Japanese, nor is it manga. If you couldn't figure that out from either the art or the main character, well... my condolences. It is yet another one of the many imitation-manga that American artists have flooded the market with. I wish that we could get it right over here, but no matter how they try, our 'manga-ka' always ending with stupid stories and amatuer art. And this is yet another example, but with a pop, parent-approved punk 'princess' slapped on for extra pre-teen marketing value. 'even if it were good it wouldn't be manga, folks... manga is exclusively Japanese. ^.~ No, not even Korean comics are manga. Those are Manwha. Subtle difference.' So, it's been mislabed and overhyped, or else you never would have heard of this sorry tome. If it weren't for Avril's name on it it never would have gained any notoriety, and let us pray for all our sanity that it never does.
Well, that's very special. I really don't give a shit whether it's "manga" or "manwha" or "manga-ka" or "a suitable substitute for the now-defunct Sears Catalog for those of you still using outhouses." It's a crappy comic book that would never have seen the light of day if they hadn't been able to stick Avril Lavigne's name on the cover! You could have left it at that and made your point, but like all retarded geeks who don't know how to shut the fuck up, you KEEP ON GOING until EVERYONE in the room wants to tie you down to a table and let a sumo wrestler introduce you to his VERY GOOD FRIEND "HOT CARL."

Sorry. Had to get that out of my system.

Seriously, though, "Ingrid," if that is your real name, get out of the basement, and knock it off with the jibber-jabber. Save that shit for Final Jeopardy, because unless you own a comic book store, it's going to get you nowhere in real life.
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Jun. 5th, 2007 @ 06:30 pm TrekBBS Looney of the Month -- thestonedkoala
Current Mood: annoyed
This month's object of derision and scorn makes me long for the days when crazy people who heard voices and talked to themselves were locked up in mental hospitals. Instead they get million-dollar book deals and go on Oprah to peddle their looney-tunes wares (conveniently available in overpriced hardback, audiobook, DVD, and soundtrack of the DVD formats).

The No-Prize I'm giving out here is actually two months overdue, but since the old Admiral's been away on sea duty lately, he hasn't been able to keep up on the latest TrekBBS posts. I have been around enough to know that thestonedkoala is not exactly playing with a full deck, and makes Goji look well-adjusted.

Back in April, stoney posted a thread in everyone's favorite wretched hive of scum and villany (the Miscellaneous forum) wondering if it was weird to give last rites to roadkill. The obvious answer is "Fuck, yeah!" but somehow the thread managed to drag on for another 35 posts.
Ukavich (I always butcher his name...hence why I call him Ukey or Union) and I were talking tonight at a fast food restaurant and I was discussing how I came close on killing a few animals with my car this week (stupid possums and deers) and how horrified I would be if I ended up killing them. (Though we also debated, can you really run over a bird but that's another question all together). I asked him if it would be weird if I gave last rights to the creature in question if I ever ran him or her over? He didn't give me a real good answer because he didn't really know. So I'm stuck. I see road kill a bit but I was wondering if I shouldn't like give the creature in question last rights. It was LIVING and possibly one of us, or err, a human at one time, I think or an alien. That is another debate all together but, do you think people would have problems if I gave last rights to road kill?
The "Ukavich" he speaks of is quoted in his signature:
"[Fundamental] Christians are closed off to the universe around them," Ukavich Baye. "Believe in the Elali and Elalé and the universe becomes so much more."
If you're as puzzled as I am at this point, you're not alone.
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May. 18th, 2007 @ 09:45 pm TrekBBS Asshat of the Day: voggmo!
Current Mood: aggravated

One of the joys of being online is having to deal with people who are about as smart as a postage stamp. What's even more amazing is that people would actively cultivate such a personality so they can be an annoying cunt and then plead ignorance when others call them on it.

Take today's asshat, voggmo, who in the illustrious shoes of Dayton3, pretends to know diddly-shit about computers as an excuse to either not back up his opinions by providing links to supporting websites, or to back them up by reposting the full text of five-thousand-word horseshit essays on why gayness makes psychiatrists commit suicide.

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May. 11th, 2007 @ 10:13 am Trekkies Overreact to Innocuous Comment! Film at Eleven!!!
Current Mood: annoyed

Apparently actors can't even make off-the-cuff remarks about Star Trek without drawing the ire of millions... well, thousands... well, maybe half a dozen foaming-at-the-mouth Trekkies. Trekkies have such a persecution complex that someone can't even make an amusing comment without it being taken as an affront to every Trek fan in the world.

Take this recent Entertainment Weekly interview with Keri Russell, promoting her new movie Waitress. In the article, they mention that the only big controversy that's ever surrounded Russell was when she cut her hair for the second season premiere of her TV show Felicity. (Compared to, say, Paris Hilton driving under a suspended license, or Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan doing laughable stints in rehab.) They asked her why this is the case, and here was her answer:

"I'm a nerd," Russell says, adding that her Felicity costar (and former boyfriend) Scott Speedman used to call her "Homework Reminder." "At lunch, I would always be going, 'Guys! We gotta get back! We're gonna get in trouble!' Scott was like, 'Homework Reminder, chill out, we'll be okay.'" She shrugs. "I'm just a nerd. That, and I can't stay awake past 10 o'clock, which is usually when bad things happen."
So with that declaration in mind, read this passage, from the end of the article:

Though Russell hasn't decided when she'll return from maternity leave, she can be confident that there will be at least one person waiting for her. "I love working with Keri," says Abrams. "There's hardly any [project] that comes around that I don't wonder if she would do it." What about his upcoming Star Trek reboot? Would he consider casting the former Mouseketeer as a hot Klingon? "That'd be awesome!" Abrams says, laughing.

It might take a little convincing, though. In the park, Homework Reminder wrinkles her nose at the idea: "I'm not that nerdy!"
I thought it was an amusing way to end the article, but apparently some of the mouth-breathers at TrekBBS thought differently. Here's some choice responses:

Well, Keri Russell can just go jump in the lake. She's about to learn that Hell hath no fury like a bunch of Trekkies scorned!  
--Captain Dago

MY OH MY! That's a classic cockpunch to the groin of millions of Star Trek fans that might have been or would have been fans of hers. :-)

Wait! Could she had been trying to say "I'm not that needy!" still an insult by any other name Keri.

Lets see where your career is darlin' in 20 years when your scraping the bottom of the barrel for any acting gigs and Playboy comes to you asking to pose in the alltogether before your looks and fame dull to the attractive lustre of a worn out copper penny. ;-)

What will you say then, "I'm not that nudey!"

She seems as stuck up as a tribble on viagra.
--Ninjawitch

slappy: ...and with that she makes "the list".
PythonTrek: <Colbert voice> You are dead to me, Keri!!!

Does she even have a career anymore? This could have helped it.
--Dar70

While she could have been saying this tongue-in-cheek...

...she things that being in (what's becoming) a high profile movie that has instant name recognition and guarantees an actor to be in a fandom's eye forever is suddenly nerdy?

Y'know how many actors would kill to be in a Trek movie regardless if the end result is a P.O.S.?

Now, granted, she just may not want to be in a Trek movie. That is fine. Not everyone would want to dive into that if they do not think it is for them, but they should at least be tactful when commenting on it.
--Broccoli
Why do you stupid people think that your damn show and your damned stupid fandom is the be-all and end-all of the universe? Oh, an actor doesn't want to be in Star Trek! They must be just begging to flush their career down the toilet. Shun the non-believer! Shunnnnnnnnn!

It's retarded people like this who help give Trekkies a bad name and maybe make quality actors and actresses think twice about signing up for a movie or TV show, knowing they're going to have to deal with unwanted scrutiny from these fuckin' bozos someday, whether on the street or at a convention.
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May. 1st, 2007 @ 07:19 pm TITS!, spam, and the TrekBBS Asshat of the Day
Current Mood: cranky

I'll be up front with you all... the old Admiral loves him some tits. Nothing like spending weeks at sea on maneuvers with a bunch of men of the same sex and/or gender makes you appreciate the female form (particularly the upper portion of it). So when I heard something about TITS! over at TrekBBS, I figured people had come to their senses and allowed some good, old-fashioned, all-American NUDITY on that board.

Boy was that a fucking crock of false advertising. Nobody's posting pictures of tits. Instead, they're just posting the word in threads that are doomed to be locked by the moderators. Sort of like back in middle school, when you'd try to goof off while the teacher stepped out into the hall. The part of me that never grew up (fear not, ladies, it's not that part) sees the fun in this. Some day, I might join in.

Over the weekend, some folks took it a bit too far, though. Some dumb fucker spammed up the board with threads about some cancelled video game from ten years ago, and in response, these people posted "TITS!" (or something equally lacking in content) dozens of times. As a result, they paid the price, getting warnings for spamming, and having 500 posts knocked off their post count.

Fast-forward to late last night. Seven of eleven starts a thread in the QS&F forum praising the punishment, and wondering how firmly and how frequently the new penalty will be applied to other posters. I'm all for the moderators being consistent, but they're also only human. If every instance of "TITS!" or other goofing off were punished, half the board's posters would be banned. What does this guy want the board to be, a military school? A prison camp? Sounds like a frustrated wannabe staff member to me. And what's in the name of hot buttered Christ is the deal with this post?

I'm somewhat perplexed. Perhaps this is ascribable to my predisposition on the issue and someone with a more dispassionate viewpoint could elucidate as to why there is an indisposition towards ridding the threads in question of spam, particulary when the "fun" (aka spammy) threads in Misc and the entirety of the lounges wouldn't be touched.
So in addition to being a backseat moderator, this guy is also a pretentious cunt who likes to drop big words like "predisposition" and "elucidate." That's why Seven of eleven is Admiral Rear's TrekBBS Asshat of the Day. Go out and get some air, Seven, and if that doesn't work, go fuck yourself.
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Mar. 20th, 2007 @ 02:05 pm March of the Morons, Unabated
TEH STUPID, IT HURTS. For a good old headache inducer, nothing quite beats a cursory overview of TrekBBS's "The Neutral Zone" forum. Also, it's good for laughs, albeit bitter ones.
( Read more... )
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Feb. 26th, 2007 @ 05:30 pm Welcome to Generation ADD
Current Mood: irritated
Sweet buttered Christ on a cracker... the idiotic things they'll discuss on TrekBBS:

"How has LOTR films aged?"

The goddamn films aren't even that old yet! Hell, last December it was just five years since Fellowship of the Ring was in the theaters.

Is this the curse of the internet age and the 24-hour news cycle? We have no time to actually let the dust settle before we can analyze its impact, whether we're talking about wars or politics or entertainment. Instant analysis is the name of the game, and it's a fucking stupid game. Academic "wise men" are being replaced by smug armchair quarterbacks whose analytical ability should be restricted to nitpicking last week's episode of Lost.

Damned if I know how long you should wait before you analyze the global importance of something, but it's a bit early to be asking if Lord of the Rings has aged well.
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